yvonnemcknight

ENTERING MY BROKENNESS

I have not written anything in my blog for several months, first of all after moving house I experienced ongoing difficulty with signals and of course my devises and it became easy to let things slip.

I am very aware , in my experience, that it is easy to do this, and then time goes by and the struggle to discipline oneself becomes harder and harder.

The second reason I have not written anything in my blog recently is because my eldest dear dear son was found dead in his home on the first of January 2025, and yet when my husband died at the beginning of the COVID I lived each day through the blog.

Recently I have been considering , and reflecting on brokenness. As you are probably aware people have various ways of giving there support during a bereavement, and the one that comes to mind at the moment is ‘the hush approach’. This approach is easily understood from the perspective of being present in another’s unbearable pain which, in turn touches our own pain and we need to get it shushed or hushed.

The hush approach has its value, but eventually, if we are to heal we need to enter into, and work through our brokenness. A useful metaphor for this purpose is of broken glass. I f you have ever broken glass, swept it up, and later discovered there are more chards which you missed, maybe even stand on one in your bare feet it makes a useful picture or container for our reflections.

In the end we have to enter the brokenness and deal with the pain if we are to recover and come to a place of acceptance of our loss. In a very real sense this is a task of mourning.

You may also notice that many people speak of grief and grieving and never or seldom speak of mourning. I want to suggest that no recovery is complete without ‘mourning the loss’. This process is to use the glass metaphor, entering into the brokenness clearing it gradually, taking breaks and making distractions, and then returning to find the bits you missed.

So lets be clear grieving is not mourning, it is going over the situation over and over and not going anywhere. I f you are strong enough to sit and listen to your own brokenness it is possible to come to the place of mourning but it is good to have a good friend to listen with respect and loving kindness because being heard really heard is a catalyst for change.

Mourning is the next step and is like a huge roar which is a release for the loss and pain. I will continue but am taking a break now.

IF YOU ARE IN BEREAVEMENT MY SINCERE SYMPATHY AND LOVING WISHES.

INTRODUCTION

journey

TAGS MOVEMENT, HOPE RESILIENCE BALANCE

journey, a word imbued with deep meaning and the title of many experiences on a physical, mental and spiritual level, indeed in every walk of life it is an overarching word indicating movement, its complexity virtually unending and whilst it has meaning at various depths and levels for all human beings, it has personal meaning and experience for individuals and groups.

It seems a good time, as new year is about to dawn, to reflect on the past and look into the future with hope and anticipation, but to do so we need to summon up our courage and resilience especially when we have been struggling with traumatic experiences. The new year encapsulates movement towards new life as we consider the coming of spring.

It is interesting that , increasingly, since the pandemic subsequent economic crisis and the very real sense of climate change taking hold even the plants come up early as though reaching for spring in a struggle for survival in a harsh and unstable environment.

I woke up yesterday thinking about new year and the hope that it can bring with an opportunity to set aside the past hurts and pain, and although they may scar us they also provide an opportunity for growth and development. Hurtful experiences contain meaning and the potential for new purpose and healing.

Why not begin the new year with positivity seeking to connect the aspects of self engage hope and balance within us and outward towards our environment.

I hope to discuss working towards a constructive balance with internal and external worlds as we experience them looking at finding new meaning and joy and being able to access this in bad and good times.

The thing is that we live in the dark and need a personal light to navigate the future.

LETS EXAMINE THIS TOGETHER HAPPY NEW YEAR.

THE SEESAW

TAGS BALANCE PARALLELS REFLECTIONS VULNERABILITY

The world has been like a kind of gigantic seesaw for some time, lacking balance in every aspect, governments fluctuate, rise and fall often doing things to bolster their own perceived credibility but which cause more worry for the most vulnerable persons in our countries.

It is good to know and reflect on these matters sometimes, not to depress ourselves, but to set our environment and all the happenings within it in context. The world exists and rolls on within a parallel process, and without realising it we ourselves parallel with it, and life rises and falls with it.

What of it you may ask? Well the thing is you see we need to consider , and have knowledge of our base, and use it to form a framework for our daily living, such a way of being allows one to hold and contain oneself, and others, in a steady and balanced way, as opposed to seesawing along allowing ourselves to be buffeted about with the trials of daily living.

I remember as a young child starting school I found it hard to master a technique for managing in the playground, but fortunately for me I had an older brother to stand up for me and chase the bullies away. In many ways life is a playground but such a metaphor does not really shape a notion of a safe and steady place to work from.

Have you ever been on a seesaw when someone much bigger than you jumps on the other end, and, rather than soaring up you find yourself trailing on the ground, and then the bully jumps off and goes off sneering at you., and you are left feeling humiliated and fall back onto the ground.

Having courage and trust is essential for moving on in recovery but there is so much more to creating a supportive framework for our living in this seriously unbalanced world.

A good question to ask is, what is going on here? and to examine the ins and outs of whats happening, it is in this way we may find a balance which can support our thinking and help us not to be overwhelmed and lose sight of positive choices we can make.

Imagine, if you will see the seesaw image again only this time a boy races to the scene and jumps on with the small child balancing the structure and defeating the bullying tactics of the large child.

So it is within us, to walk in a healthy and recovering framework we need balance which is central to safety, and maintaining our courage and trust.

ADD NEW RESOURCES TO YOUR COPING SKILLS TODAY.

COURAGE AND TRUST

TAGS STEPPING OUT TRAUMA RESILIENCE

Courage and trust are very important as we live and walk in recovery from trauma, we need courage to keep stepping out , rather than retiring back, and giving up, and we need trust to believe in ourselves and to engage with others who can help us on our journey.

Whilst the reflections in my blogs may fit situations in or for recovery from addiction, or other difficulties, they began as reflections on moving on from the affects of the pandemic brought about through COVID 19. I would like to finish off these reflections and move on to something new, and indeed many people are trying to do this, however the plain truth is that as I go about my daily life, I find, and observe that many people without being aware of it are still suffering from the effects of the insidious virus as above.

I can recognise them in myself having lost my husband in the very beginning of the pandemic, and I observe them also in others, who do not always admit to them, or even know that they have them.

What comes to mind this morning, as I return to writing following a two month absence due to house moving, and waiting on ‘services’ to move my broadband, not an easy matter as you may know!

It seems to me that when one stress builds on another, we actually can, at times, identify that we are still suffering, or dealing with previous stresses but I am still of the opinion that the affects, and effects of the pandemic, and indeed the stresses connected with the fall of global economies are insidious and imbued with denial.

It is from this stance that I bring forward again the need for courage to keep going in recovery, and to reach in for our own trust, and out for trust in others. It is interesting to observe that one can be helped by sitting with a number of people and not necessarily say or do anything but the essence, and presence of the others can have a healing effect.

I mention the above as it may encourage others to be content with small achievements of getting out and about both physically and mentally and indeed spiritually. Such movement links with trust in our selves and in others as we sense their presence in a positive light.

Those who have faith have even more support and holding to go forward and not allow ‘down days’ to overwhelm them trusting and reaching out with the knowledge and experience of having overcome fears and difficulties before.

If we think of it as rooms within our bodily house each of which has a purpose and contains different things we can use the metaphor to step into different sections of our being and connect with our healing resources.

It has been borne in on me recently that people have, since the pandemic, and the horrific traumas it caused, had to put their mourning on hold in order to survive, yes they grieved but could not engage in the process of mourning in order to move on.

I find it useful to think of how animals grieve and mourn, growing up on a dairy farm the cows would roar when their calves were taken away. It was a hideous heartrending sound, and my mother used to take us to the attic so we would not hear it as clearly.

It seems to mean that the animals were letting out the unbearable feelings in their roaring, they needed to roar so they could let go and move on, we are often too dignified to roar, and can be afraid we would completely break down and become totally mad, such as been our pain.

The complexity of the above situation has been the fact that everybody was affected by the pandemic in some way, and accordingly we could only hold another for short periods of time because no one , or few had completed their mourning and even as one event passed it just continued. Now there is space to see others , to offer them support, and to venture out from the madness to a new world we are all making.

In days of trouble we sometimes wish to hide and when we try and feel ineffective when helping others we are not necessarily back at the beginning but have the ability to trust ourselves by remembering how we handled the troublesome spot before.

During my lifetime I have found it important to return to basics when things get stuck and to examine and listen again for what I have missed, this process allows one to glean new information and knowledge of how to help oneself and others.

NOTHING IS MORE POWERFUL IN TRAUMA RECOVERY THAN BEING CLEARLY HEARD!

Retired yuk in reflective living and wellness

Tags useless disregarded

I had a dream of helping as a volunteer when I retired but having multiple skills ,instead of being an advantage seemed increasingly to be a stumbling block,and added to that the COVID was and is in the way. Soon my dream became a nightmare which,of course,just to top it became recurrent and mood altering.

The nightmare pictures a large black wheelie bin into which I have been thrown and am pressed down by the lid but my feet and head are not inside the bin and I can move them both and the thing is,it has become not just an nightmare but a waking dream, which needs to be examined and in a disciplined way,worked through and transformed.

I have not, as yet, gone through this process, but am engaged in the idea that ,whilst the central part of me is squashed up with all the filthy rubbish in the bin my feet and head are outside of this.

What does one do when the stuffing is knocked out of them? When folk are dealt a body blow,is this what they mean,or when they say,”I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me”how might these sayings help to process the experience?It seems to me that whilst this experience is mine if I come to understand it and transform it’s negative meaning I may be able to encourage others to transform their difficulties too.

I am concentrating on how to use my uncrushed parts to get out of the bin.Ive been left,in the nightmare,with two good parts,feet to walk Where I want and need to go and a brain and mind to create the master plan,and overcome the abuse and negativity transforming them into loving and useful experience.

WALK WITH ME! TURN USELESSNESS INTO USEFUlNESS!

Move you are in my space is

There is nothing quite like the feelings of being restricted,no one likes being rained in and the feeling connected with this becomes more andorr patronising with age.

Recently my neighbour in the ajoining apartment got a tiny pup, and began to gate off the space across my front door so the dog could toilet on the boardwalk.I was in a bind as I love animals but did not want one using my space as a loo.

I found myself not wanting to be in the apartment even planning to sell up not because of the dog because of the blatant encroachment into my space.

Such lack of boundaries and unconcern for the other person is outrageous but I cannot summon up the nerve to confront her and remain living next door.

Boundaries are so important and when violated can feel like being abused,. and indeed it is a form of abuse a violation of space choice and priviledge being treated as someone considered to be ‘less than’.

So what’s the answer, and how do I manage my well being?Not sure just now.

Dancing with nature.

This afternoon I am in the park amongst some beautiful trees birds and a small lake.The air is somewhat sultry but the birds are singing anyway.To my right the trees of various types shapes and descriptions are dancing in the breeze.

For some reason it reminds me of river dance maybe because it almost seems like its choreographed beautifully.The clouds have moved back from the previously grumpy skyline and they and the bluesky create a gorgeous backdrop for the dancing trees.

I find this experience balancing as in the current times so much around one seems chaotic.To the left the population of trees sre somewhat higher and seem to be to the audience.There is no movement amongst them seemingly they are silenced by the display

Have you realised how much we human beings do just naturally?We move and coordinate our activities naturally when we are calm and in command of ourselves accordingly finding calmness and living in a centred way is key to wellness.

The tree with its beauty greeness and natural activity taking care of our Co2 and oxygen levels for one thing is a metaphor for a balanced life and a representation of our true selves.We can still be steady even amongst chaos.

SO DANCE GO ON.

Aids to faith and reflective living

This afternoon I find myself sitting beside a beautiful lake around 20 miles from my home,. although it is a sunny day it is windy to and the lake is turbulent with the water up to the top of the lake sides. The water is making beautiful patterns rolling in various directions.

The swans are bobbing up and down, feeding and sometimes cleaning their feathers, whilst the beautiful ducks are taking a nap in corners of the grassy area which fronts the lake.A few fishing boats rock about on the lake, and on the other side there are lovely green fields sprinkled by little cottages, which appear to meet the sky,. strangely enough no animals are at rest in the fields this afternoon.Just this moment some ducks rushed out of the water and began scolding and shaking themselves.I.wonder if the drake is scolding his wife?

Since the beginning of the pandemic, the increase in interest and activity of global warming,and the war in ukraine we as a result,are regressed,and in some cases not always rational This is because of the continuing inciduous nature of ongoing stress with little return to safety or normality Our struggles to do normal things also create stress and anxiety and so we may be remaining in hyperarousal our stress hormones always on the up.

Returning to faith and meaning in this challenged and changed world is not easy even for people and church communities who have a history of strong faith and practice. We have just celebrated Easter and I am reminded of Doubting Thomas the disciple who needed to see the risen Christ and place his hands on his wounds so he could believe Jesus was not a ghost.Jesus facilitated this and told him “be not faithless but believing”

With the aforementioned stresses we have mentioned it is not surprising our bodies and minds have gone into regressive and unbearable places and may,at times, feel barely human.Added to this are anxieties re health treatments and the ordinary anxieties of life.

How do we hold the juxtaposition between faith and belief?umh not so easy,is it?Even if one has just a little faith in God little is much when God is in it.Martin Lolyd Jones taught that the principle outlined in John,s vision in Revelation was to stop looking down and poking into things that we cannot understand or assimilate instead we need to look up to God John was called to” come up here” and he looked and observed the power of God ,and saw he was in control.

Lets look up and use the beauty all around us to remember God is in charge plant your feet firmly in his word and remember the many narratives you know where God intervened and resolved the situations.Hold unto the two words”But God”Wherever you are just now breathe!

Walking and observing

I have been thinking how there are two opposite and opposing behaviours prevalent at the moment.One is to get out and walk observing and enjoying nature and the other is to rush home as quickly as you can,back to the safety of the house.

Lets walk through these behaviours together and consider how we may make them more natural,or what we called normal once.We might also ask the question What is the cause of this ,or these behaviours.No I haven’t lost it,at least not yet.

It feels good,doesn’t it to motivate oneself to get out in the air especially on a good day? There are many wonderful things to see, hear ,smell ,taste and feel,but,. it would appear,that it is not what a walk is for anymore a walk is to commit to reasonable health practice but get away from others,as quickly as possible and back to ‘a safe place’ .

Lets imagine we don’t walk but saunder, or go for a stroll.taking it easy and observing around us with all our senses,such behaviour develops our awareness and connection to nature and to others and is a way of managing the horrible inciduous continuing traumatic stress posed by the ongoing sidelined pandemic.

To challenge these behaviours we need to focus on going out and coming in.Going out can be a labour because of the time we are living in,and coming home is not as safe as it was,as we are forever hooking up to lateral flow equipment.

I suggest that going for a saunter,as above has also a positive influence on how we come home as our awareness experience will enpower us to positive thinking and help control the stressful feelings we live with.

If we cut to the Quick, what we are dealing with is continual hyperarousal as the stress hormones are continually in use putting us into guard positions constantly.

Strolling or sauntering gives you and I the chance to be aware of breathing and be grateful for it.We are not in a rushing mode so it is not noticeable when we go that bit slower or stop to glance around we can feel our breathing and observe the wellness of it spreading around our bodies.its as though the body is talking to us,but we need to listen as its not speaking in English.

Gong out ,and being out in this way influences how we come in again to the safe place.If you like its a form of renewal which can enable our return to less stressful ways of living allowing the ebb and flow of our bodies to be more natural.Think about it practice it.

LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SURROUNDINGS!